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My fear

I was always a happy girl, always loved to play with my brothers and people always called me smillie, i growup in a small town where everything was kept close and what happen to me was kept a secret by my granmother til the day she died. When i was 10 years old, even writing this im already crying… I am a 10 year old trusting this Pastor who at times stayed at our home and in such a small town you are really respected and lucky if you can host a men of God. Little did they know why he was so all happy to be staying with us. When i get this flashbacks it hurts so much and it pains that it has effected my life so much, i am so afraid to live my life cause now i have a daughter to look out for, and i am protecting her with everything i have.


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I couldn’t say NO

I was a 17 year old girl who had just finished high school and ready to take on the world. Then he stepped into my life as my savoir, protector and most importantly my brother. He loved me like a brother should, he took care of me like a brother would but I didn’t realize that his love and protection would come at price until one day he demanded back his “love”. It was on that day, 13 August 2009, that he took what he had wanted all along and he gave me no choice in the matter. My brother raped me, not even my cries could stop him. He carries on with his life while I’m still trying to pick the pieces of mine, the one he shattered into a million pieces…

Its been 5 years and I’m surviving, I just can’t seem to let go of the anger.


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I didn’t say anything because I wanted to keep the family together and besides, I was the only different child in the family…..

From the age of 6, only different race is the family, the most beautiful child in the family, loved by the whole neighborhood but family. 3brothers, two cousin brothers and 1cousin sister. We had the biggest yard at our home. Everyday after school everybody comes to our home to play and I was the youngest. My two cousin brothers who were 5years older than me did as they pleased and I was told not to say a word to a soul cos I would be beaten to death by mom or the elders, as if I asked or knew anything. It did not end there, they started bringing their friends over also to help themselves and they were relatives also, very close relatives that my mom cared the most and loved the most. At home was a nightmare, outside home was the very same thing. Came to a point where it became like a daily routine. In 1998, my grandmother passed on and my mom had to take me to stay with her as she worked far from home. It dropped from 9people to one, my cousin that my mom loved the most. I started to hide my beauty with baggy clothes that way no man looks at me that way but dat did not stop him. This one time I asked him what if I got pregnant and he said then he would take me away and make me his wife…. I started hating home even staying with mom cos I couldn’t say anything for she loved all these people to bits. I moved out at the age of 15 n told her that I want to learn to stand on my own. For a first time I was not scared. I saw her very often but we were never even dat close as she had never told me anything about my father. It’s ther dat I started drugs, alcohol, weed, partying, I have no idea how I passed my matric… I started loving women. The most toughest, hardcore girl that cared about nothing. I’m 25years old now. 3 years ago I met the most amazing person that I would never stop loving. My family started seeing that I was a butch n was very judgmental but I didn’t care. My mom always told me that praying is the most powerful way to fight anything. I started demanding answers about my father and got the worst answers but didn’t blame mom for anything. After we spoke for the first time about him, we got more close and I stopped running from her. She is the most amazing human being and I love her. This year a week before Easter Friday, a guy came out of nowhere n claimed to be my brother, problem is, his father was my dad’s best friend but everyone said he really was my brother. Here I am trying to figure out why would mom lie about who my father is, it was very confusing. Eventually I lost it and sent her a text msg saying ; Mom, you know I love you with all my heart and soul but I’m tired, there’s too much noise in my soul, each time I take a step its like I’m taking 10back. If this guy really is my brother just tell me, I won’t say or do anything I’m sure you have your reasons but I don’t care about them I’m just tired of lies. Everyone claims to love me in this family but not once have I ever felt that. What would really make hate u would be doing a blood test and only to find that he really is my brother and another thing is, yes I do everything for you, buy you all the nice thing and give you whatever you want but I can see it in your eyes that your heart is breaking deep inside but trust me, there are things that we just have to take to the grave and I’m sorry. I love you”. She called me back and asked to see me. As usual I went to the closest supermarket and bought all that she likes and went over to her flat. We sat, ate and joked around….then she said let’s talk my child. She said to me “I have given my life to The Lord and I’m sure you know and can see that. I told you the truth about your father. The only way this boy could be your brother would be the other way around, not what the rest of the world says”, turns out she really was telling the truth. Then she asked me what was this big secret that I was going to take to the grave, I started crying and got up fast but she was too close to the door then she locked it and sat me down. I started crying louder, she held me and I just knew that that was the time. I told her from the first day to the last. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. She called all my brothers to be home for the Easter weekend and so they came. For the very first time in my life I felt a lot lighter. My mother and brothers did axactley was I was afraid of. They cut everyone off. Only problem is that they still hope, pray and wish for me the best in life but with a man and I cannot do dat. I love my fiancé with all my heart and soul. She is all I’ve ever wanted. We both love Christ, she has two beautiful boys that I so adore, and they love me as I was they biological parent. Her family loves and adores me. We moving in together in December and that means moving to another province to me but I just can’t tell my mom and brothers that because they still want me to be with a man. My mom’s health worries me more than anything since I told her what happened. I’m scared if I tell her the truth that her dreams for her beautiful angel will never come true. I’m scared that her her heart will not take it. If she dies because of me I will never be able to live my life and if I don’t tell her, she will die with a broken heart either way because I’m really never gonna leave my partner and our 2boys. I don’t want to go to counseling because they just gonna tell me to leave my partner to fulfill my mother’s wishes and to do things as they were written in the bible. If my life is a sin, let only God Judge me but this is where I am extremely happy and complete but my heart will always be broken and angry as it always was when I had to eat with my enemies and watch mom lough with them not knowing how they have destroyed her only flower…. The only thing I can do is pray and pray and pray for peace……


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I am sorry

Women dont get violated by women, but by men, who were boys at some point. So boys need to be brought up well in spiritually sound families, with fathers who model the good husband, because kids dont do what they are told, but what they see. So if we continue to have dysfunctional families, our boys will not have good examples, modeling how to treat a woman, and so they are also bound to fail being men.

As a man, I say let us all turn to God. Model families the way He intended, with husbands as protectors and lovers, rather than abusers, then we will produce good men for the future.

I am sorry to all the women who have had to experience this violent behavior from us, may they be healed and may it not continue anymore, only God can help us…


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My first step to healing…..

I shared a story not so long ago. My partner told me about this site. I just wanted to let y’all know what’s been keeping me together for the last three years apart from my gorgeous fiancé and our 2healthy boys. As much as I was drinking and smoking so much, I’ve always known that there is a god and had my times to dedicate to the him. I came across music by Juanita Bynum. I started deleting all the ungodly music on my phone, gave all my CDs and DVDs away. Her music had brought me closer to The Lord Almighty and each day I want to know more about him, I’m doing very well at work and I’m so happy to be moving to another province. Here are some tracks that I feel will help you to heal. Diary of Juanita Bynum 2, listen to the whole album, next then it’s more of her music and sermons on you tube. But mainly the song titled “In the Silence” listen to it and listen to it again, then listen to rest of the album. Let God speak to you, put everything that causing you not to move on with your life, not to sleep at night in his hands and let him burn it up for you because if you ask him to keep it then you might look back and hurt again so tell him to burn it up for you that way you can accept the good things he wants to give. I urge you and beg you to listen to this album please, for a moment just shut up and stop fighting a battle you can’t win or change. It’s time to heal and accept peace and forgiveness. I love you all and trust me, IT’S TIME TO HEAL. You are all loved. Will stay in touch.


next page next page close

My first step to healing…..

I shared a story not so long ago. My partner told me about this site. I just wanted to let y’all know what’s been keeping me together for the last three years apart from my gorgeous fiancé and our 2healthy boys. As much as I was drinking and smoking so much, I’ve always known that there is a god and had my times to dedicate to the him. I came across music by Juanita Bynum. I started deleting all the ungodly music on my phone, gave all my CDs and DVDs away. Her music had brought me closer to The Lord Almighty and each day I want to know more about him, I’m doing very well at work and I’m so happy to be moving to another province. Here are some tracks that I feel will help you to heal. Diary of Juanita Bynum 2, listen to the whole album, next then it’s more of her music and sermons on you tube. But mainly the song titled “In the Silence” listen to it and listen to it again, then listen to rest of the album. Let God speak to you, put everything that causing you not to move on with your life, not to sleep at night in his hands and let him burn it up for you because if you ask him to keep it then you might look back and hurt again so tell him to burn it up for you that way you can accept the good things he wants to give. I urge you and beg you to listen to this album please, for a moment just shut up and stop fighting a battle you can’t win or change. It’s time to heal and accept peace and forgiveness. I love you all and trust me, IT’S TIME TO HEAL. You are all loved. Will stay in touch.


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My friends told me I was overreacting

[I would like to remain anonymous, please.]

I was once at a party, flirting with this guy. He was a bit drunk and so was I. We started to dance together and he kissed me. I was happy about it, since it seemed like a nice guy, and we had lots of friends in common. He told me he would be waiting for me in a quieter place a few meters away, in the woods. We were at a friend’s country house. I went where he told me he’d be waiting, I wanted to kiss him. But he took of his pants and forced me to go on my knees and do a blow job. He was holding my head down and it went on only for a little while. I knew that this was not the reason why I was there. He was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do, so I stopped. He was very angry and started calling me names while putting his clothes back on. I felt ashamed and humiliated. I was afraid he would tell people about this. My friends think that this was no problem and that I am overreacting about it. They told me I should feel flattered someone so handsome was interested in me. I don’t even know if I can call this being raped – I know that unfortunately there are far more severe and violent cases. But I also know I was doing something against my will. What is the great difference between a person who is willing to force someone to have sex and a person who actually forces someone? I find them equally disgusting. I’m afraid he might go further with someone else.


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DID GOD ABONDON WOMEN

We where not created from dust,but rather from a mans rib this alone shows how special we are God took decent measures when he created us.but the question is did he now forget the reason why he created a women now forget the purpose why he created us,we are so soft we are powerless we don’t have the strength to fight those monsters,man who are suppose to protect us are the ones hurting us.what a sick country we live in imagine this headline A 3 month old baby raped and ger 7 year old brother,so the monster only realised when he was busy with the 3 month old baby that she is too small for him so he opted for the brother a shed a tear everyday when I read of such stories I dnt have my story to tell but I have a 7 year old daughter that I worry about everyday I just dnt trust anione near her it be her futher,uncle,cousin or grandad I just trust no one,I just pray that God remembers us as women and start protecting us how long must we suffer for something he created us with I pray for all of the victims to be strong and talk about it please we cnt keep quite animoe,this is a sick country


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My fear

I was always a happy girl, always loved to play with my brothers and people always called...
article post

I couldn’t say NO

I was a 17 year old girl who had just finished high school and ready to take on the...
article post

I didn’t say anything because I wanted to keep the family together and besides, I was the only different child in the family…..

From the age of 6, only different race is the family, the most beautiful child in the...
article post

I am sorry

Women dont get violated by women, but by men, who were boys at some point. So boys need...
article post

My first step to healing…..

I shared a story not so long ago. My partner told me about this site. I just wanted to...
article post

My first step to healing…..

I shared a story not so long ago. My partner told me about this site. I just wanted to...
article post

My friends told me I was overreacting

[I would like to remain anonymous, please.] I was once at a party, flirting with this...
article post

DID GOD ABONDON WOMEN

We where not created from dust,but rather from a mans rib this alone shows how special we...
article post