gang rape survivor

Firstly I’m grateful to have a chance to share my story on this platform I just heard about it now on 3Talk. I am a gang rape surviver and each da I try so hard to stay a surviver and not fall into the victim trap. In the year 1997 when I was 9 years old I was in the care of my grandfather who drank his beer and spirits on a daily I had fallen prey to his ill behaviour,everyday before going to school and before getting my R2 a day my grandfather had to touch me on my privates he would moan and close his eyes and kiss me on my lips this went on th whole 2 years until he died in Dec 1998. Nobody knows until this day. Then in 2011at 23 I was gang raped by 5 unknown man after being interviewed by a female officer of the SAPS it was concluded right then and there that I got drunk enticed the men in other words I asked for it. I then went to another police station bt was sent back to the first station where now a man took over my case and drove me to th perpetrators bt only got there not to arrest them bt to only demand they get my phone they had stolen with no avail. I was then driven to my flat. The following day a police car with a warrant officer and a woman constable came not in uniform to take m to a doctor who took a specimen. I was then driven back home,th next day I called this warrant officer he made up some excuse and the following week his number did not exist I called the police station bt these two people were unknown to them I then called all the stations in the city bt no avail these people were apparently not in th force at all and not suprising my docket had dissappeared. I know where these guys stay they are well known at their local station their father is a wealthy bussiness man in th city I can identify atleast 3 of them bt the system is a joke since then I have had two episodes of depression,3 different severe vaginal infections,lost my job,care of my child bcoz of unemployment,twice tried to take my life bt instead ended up in hospital,I got delayed in finishing my diploma,started being aggressive,used to drink a lot,for months I couldn’t come out my flat stayed locked in,I lost interest in everything I gained a lot of weight and was quiet and distant its now 3 years later and. Now want justice I want the suicidal thoughts to go away I want to be able to tell my fiance about it bt I don’t know where to start. I am now pregnant with our first child and my depression seems to b coming back